“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13)

I struggle with personalization—where I think someone’s actions or comments are aimed at me, specifically, even when there’s no clear indication that the person meant it that way. For instance, if a friend doesn’t respond to a text by the time I think she should, I might start to think that she doesn’t want to talk to me. That leads to a spiral where I replay everything I’ve said or done that could have been misinterpreted as offensive. Then I end up believing that, not only does she not want to talk to me, but I have also done irreparable damage to our friendship (by doing something I have no memory of). When she eventually responds and tells me about her sick child and the complications of running the household while also being sick herself, I realize the delayed response had nothing to do with me.

As I’ve gotten older, I understand more and more that most people are not thinking about me at all, and they certainly aren’t out there deliberately trying to hurt me. I’ve learned there’s a difference between what someone does and what their actions mean.

Using my previous example, we can break it down this way:

What happened (the facts): My friend hasn’t responded to my text.

What I think (not a fact): My friend doesn’t want to talk to me. Maybe I offended her. Maybe she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.

What I actually know (for a fact): My friend hasn’t responded to my text.

That’s it.

When we don’t have all the information, our minds tend to fill in the blanks. Oh, how my mind hates an incomplete story. So it will just make one up, even if there’s no basis in fact.

In Philippians 4:8, Paul said, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Over time, I’ve learned to recognize these harmful thoughts as they’re happening and put on the brakes. I try to remember that everyone has their own lives, and unless I’m there with them in that moment, I have no idea what they’re dealing with. There could be dozens of explanations, and most of them have nothing to do with me. I try to practice Philippians 4:8 and think about things that are true, as in, what do I know for a fact? Sometimes, it’s not much. It never hurts to give grace rather than going straight to the worse-case scenario.

While it’s true that sometimes people do intend to hurt us, I think it’s important to remember that we don’t have to look for hurt where none exists. Instead, we can fix our minds on Jesus and the truth found in him.

Dear Lord, help us to recognize when we are filling in the blanks with what we think is happening rather than with what we know. Be with us as we wait for answers, because waiting is hard. Help us focus on the good thing