For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. (Eph. 2:8–9)

When I was in the eighth grade, a new basketball coach came to my school. He was young, and the community had high hopes for what he would do for our team. His style of coaching brought out the best in us—and in me. He saw potential in me, and he would often stay after practice to give me extra help. He taught me how to shoot a proper layup and how to develop a rhythm for free throws. Years later, as a senior, that training paid off when I became number eight in the state of Oklahoma for free throw percentage.

But my freshman year was a different story. A new girl moved to town—a new girl with more natural talent than I ever dreamed of having. Suddenly, the extra attention and training I had received was directed at her. I lost my starting position. Confused about this turn of events and wanting to know how I could get my position back, I went to talk to the coach—a brave move for this shy fourteen-year-old girl.

I’ll never forget what he said. “If you try harder, maybe you’ll get to play more.”

I’m sure he was as surprised as I was that I had bolstered the confidence to approach him about the subject, and he probably didn’t know what to say. Looking back, I can tell I had caught him off guard.

Nevertheless, I internalized what he said, and “If you try harder” became the mantra for my life without me even realizing it. “If you try harder,” people will like you. “If you try harder,” you’ll achieve (fill in the blank). “If you try harder,” you can earn God’s love. “If you try harder,” God will be pleased with you.

It has taken me years to unlearn this attitude, and even now, I sometimes slip back into that achievement-driven mentality. When I “try harder,” I place all the effort squarely on my shoulders. But this isn’t what God intended. In fact, I make an idol out of myself and my abilities when I think that I can do more and work hard enough to please God. I can’t save myself—only God can do that.

Do you also struggle with striving to achieve? Over the years, I’ve learned the following steps to help me break the cycle.

Acknowledge It

You can’t stop doing something if you don’t even realize you’re doing it. Some of the signs of striving include the following:

• Unrealistic expectations, both for myself and others
• All-or-nothing thinking
• Not wanting to try something new because I’m afraid I’ll fail
• People pleasing
• Exhaustion

After I acknowledge that I’m striving, I think, Why am I doing this? What am I hoping to achieve? Do I want God’s approval, or people’s?

Practice Gratitude

The next step to break the cycle is to practice gratitude. Gratitude changes the direction of my thoughts so that I’m focused on God what he’s done for me rather than what I can do for myself.

Pray

I’ve learned to tell God that I’m striving—and what I’m striving for (even though he already knows). And it’s not only important to talk to God but also to listen for his response. Sitting still can be hard, but it’s only when we’re still that we can clearly hear God’s voice.

With God’s help, I can stop striving and rest in him.

Dear Jesus, when I’m trying so hard to accomplish things in my own power, help me remember that my power comes from you. Through you, I can do all things, and apart from you, I strive in vain. Help me to rest in you. Amen.