“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” (Ps 18:32, NLT)

Years ago, my parents and I worked on a house painting project together. Usually, my dad and I work well together. However, for that project, it seemed neither of us could do anything right. I wanted the room to look perfect when we were done, and I had a vision of the final version in my head. My dad didn’t do things my way, and I didn’t do things his way, so I almost scrapped the entire project before we started. My mom, caught in the middle, gave up and left us to it. In the end, we talked it out, compromised, and finished the job, which turned out better than I had hoped.

Perfectionism. I’ve been plagued by it all my life. Perfectionism isn’t reality. As humans, we can never be perfect. Only one man was perfect: Jesus.

Perfectionism is a disguise for insecurity and covers up that I feel I’m not “good enough.” I apply unrealistic standards of achievement to myself, and then I’m very hard on myself when I fail to live up to these self-imposed standards. I’m constantly evaluating my performance: what I said, what I did, and what I should have said or done differently. Perfectionists believe that if we appear perfect and do everything perfectly, then we can avoid shame and judgment.

For me, perfectionism is rooted in fear: fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection.

Procrastination is a trait of perfectionists, but instead of procrastination, I practiced avoidance. I enjoy playing board and card games, but for a long time, I avoided playing games I didn’t know to keep from showing my ignorance and, you guessed it, failing to win and being rejected.

When I was younger, I thought perfectionism was a good trait – it pushed me forward to achieve great things. But the Lord opened my eyes to how much perfectionism held me back. It damaged my self-esteem and the relationships I tried to develop. I avoided obeying God’s call to write because I was afraid of being rejected by my peers as a fraud and by publishers. I avoided tasks at which I might fail.

While I have in no way defeated the specter of perfectionism, I have made strides to leaving it behind. I started a business and struck out on my own, even though I knew the business might fail (and still might, because there are no guarantees). And while it seems like a small thing, I played games I didn’t know previously on more than one occasion with friends. With the Lord’s help, I’ll continue to open up and let people know the real, imperfect me.

Dear Jesus, thank you for showing me that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved by you. Thank you for showing me how to open up to those around me. Help me to continue to open up and be authentic with those in my life. Amen.